what's it like to be me..

being me..
Muhammad Haniff bin Mohd Shaharudin..
who puts himself a gap between his family..
just so that he can complete his job..as the eldest brother..

life wasn't easy for me since i was small.. i mean 6 years old kind of small.. with all the beatings..yelling..cursing.. since i was small..i've been carrying burdens as big as a normal teenagers these days.. my father puts high hopes on me.. put it the easy way... i dont experience the luxuries of being a small 6 years old kid like others..

i grew up so fast..that when i was 10 years old..i can understand what the hack is form 5 Biology is (A1 kowt bio ak time SPM ^^).. think about it.. what 10 years old child..reads and understands a form 5 Biology subject???? when i was in standard 4..i got chosen to join the National Science Quiz because i score full marks during its preliminary test.. i remember that time Cikgu Halim said ' awk full mark haniff..xsangke sy..second bwh awk pown 31..'
my point here..it's not that i'm a genius..i grew up so fast compared to normal children.. my thinking was far beyond their thinking..

i wasn't always at home..
i stayed with my grandparent since i was in standard school until i finished standard 6.. then i went to MRSM KKB for 5 years.. 1 month after SPM i went to UTM skudai for 4 years.. 4 months after i finished my degree..i went to Langkawi for 1 month because of work..
so if u can see..i dont spent much time with my family..i'm close with my mom..for sureee..but not with my dad n my siblings..

its actually hard u know..being a brother but not like the kind of brother.. i wasnt even there when my youngest brother born.. i cant remember where i was that time..but surely i wasnt there when he was born.. what makes me hard to do my job as the eldest is because what i think about what they think about me..is that 'ah..abg haniff bukan pnh ad kat umah pown..xkn ttb die ad kat umah kteorg nk kne dgr ckp die plak..'
you know how my balls would suck in if they had said that to me face to face..hahaha.. because its true.. u dont let some stranger ordering u around rite??

but as time passed by..i'm no longer away from home..i started to get to know them 1 by 1.. Alhamdulillah..no more sucking balls..ahaks! u know they say that the eldest in the family usually hv some sort of power..instinct or shits..i dont know what to call it.. but being the eldest in your family..u will hv that mojo to do your job as the eldest.. this is from my point ok.. i dun say if u r not the eldest meaning u r useless.. hey..everyone hv their own role to play ea..
well for me..i hv the ability to understand my siblings' hearts..my parents' hearts and my friends' hearts.. what u all cant see..i hv the ability to see it..

my mom always said to me 'mak tau abah ajar ko laen dr adik2 yg len..ko keras..ko xbole nk tunjuk perasaan ko..'
its true..i can never show my true feelings.. of course when i'm happy i'll be acting like a monkey dude..chaos here and there..hahaha.. u all can see me going nuts.. but when i'm sad.. thats when u cant see me.. i cant show it to my parents and my siblings.. even in the hardest situation like right now.. i still cant show them how i feel.. somebody got to keep the line straight in hard time..that's me.. once my dad told me ' ko ni sombong..ko pentingkan diri ko je..ko xpk pasal org len..' that's when 1 of my sister ran away from home..i acted like nothing happened.. yayaya..blablabla.. the truth was..i was the only 1 in the house whos actually knew where my sister had gone..
why???
because she told me..
why???
because the trusted me..

see..being the eldest sure is damn hard..





i know what dude i am.. i'm the dude playin the dude..disguised as another dude..
and that is why..and will always be 'The Pain of The Laughing Soul'

giving up..

not sure if it's the right sentence to say 'i'm giving up'

giving up everything in..

my life..
my love life..
my work..
my hobby..

things seems pretty much better when u dun put high hopes in it.. u just go with the flow.. a little bumps just to shake things up..making things more fun..

so here's the deal..

i'm gonna walk my life as i see fit..
do loads of shitty things that i want to do..
and if one day DESTINY comes knocking on my door..wanting to change my life.. i'll just remove the fucking door and scream 'COME AT ME BROOO!!!!'

without money

terkilan..sedeh..nyesal..rs ilang arah tuju..

ble duet n harte yg slame ni mak bpk ak cr ilang dlm mcm tu je.. dlm lebeh kurang 7bulan..

rm6 juta..
smue brg emas worth rm300k
1bijik kete myvi..

tergadai mcm tu je sbb ditipu oleh org yg kononnye kawan sehidup semati bpk ak..

ak tau parents ak sedeh..especially bpk ak ble duet yg die susah payah kumpul ilang cmtu je.. duet yg kononnye dilaburkan tu utk kesenangan anak2 die ms akan dtg lesap cmtu je.. sumpah xterkate pape weh.. dun ever think nk bg nasihat 'saba nep..rezeki ad kat mne2 je' it wont comfort me at all..

i dun care bout the lost money.. ape yg wat ak paling kecewe sekali pasal mak ak.. ms nk cr duet tu mak kne maki hamun..kne pukol smue.. tp mak siket pown xmerase duet tu.. alih2 kne ambk org cmtu je.. mak xdpt rs nk g wat haji.. walhal kalo mak jd g haji ngan abah ms tu..non of this will happen.. sbb kalo mak n abah g haji..abah xkn jmpe kawan2 lahanat die tu..

n ak sedeh cz bpk ak xnk pnh nk dgr ckp mak ak ble mak ak ckp jgn join bnd ni..kne mrh lg ad.. hai la ya Allah.. kalo smpai sini je rezeki yg Kau takdirkan..ak berserah je la pada Kau..


yes..money cant guarantee happiness in life..
but without money, life sure is tough..

what i'm trying to say here is..bersyukur ngan ape yg ad..

moga bnd ni jd pengajaran utk ak..n spe2 la yg bc blog ak ni..

mata kiri kelip..

hmmmmm.. as usual..mate kiri kelip meaning good news..

ad 3 good news yg kalo bole ak nk jd la salah 1 ni..

1. usually means ain akan balik..
2. osya nk balik perhaps??
3. hal bapak ak ni nk settle..


i dun know..kelip2 kuat sngt.. april da smpai.. joy ckp osya akan blek this time around.. hey hey..lets just see what april has to offer beybeh~~