DAH 4 TAHUN...

 It's been while since i last wrote here.. tengok balik post2 lame, i dont even sure how i managed to get to here. Not rich yet if that's what you're asking!

but im still here.. alot of things da berubah since my last post.. 

- PANDEMIC is a real word by the wayy.. 

- remember when i used to study aeronautics shits.. yeah, i worked with an event management company for the past 8years.. then covid-19 datang, and tadaaa..imma videographer/photographer! 

-im no longer staying with my parents..yeeehaaaaa.. tapi baru keluar awal tahun ni..then covid dtg..lol

tho 1 thing haven't change.. tak kire mane aku pandang, tak kire mane aku pergi..tak kire aku susah atau senang..sedih atau gembira.. i would always find you.. 

so 9 years + 4 years.. i'm still here, with you.

Nightmare or Sweet dream i do not care.. i miss you

sometimes when i dream about you..it's always freaks me out.. because knowing that you aren't mine..but to constantly thinking about you makes me wonder..

why is it always you?
why must everything i do and see, they all remind me of you..

science stated that people who popped in our dreams are basically people that we have met..doesnt matter if we know them or not..as long as the eyes had seen them..

once awhile..aku mimpikan kau.. i told you few times yang aku mimpikan kau..but never in details as sometime tu rase mcm tu kau dlm mimpi..but not really clear muke tu.. smtimes xclear lgsg mimpi tu..but aku rs mcm ade kau dlm tu..

this time it's different.. 6th April 2016 (lepas subuh tido balik..then 1033hours aku terjaga lepas mimpi)


mimpi tu camni..

set up mcm dlm kawasan asrama..but mcm laki and perempuan campur bilik tido.. bukan campur satu bilik..tp mcm satu bilik laki smue..then ade satu bilik pmpn smue..like and apartment la..

then there's this one bad guy..xsure die sape..but he's looking for me..like, wanted to kill me.. because die cume bole feel aku punye presence je..so die xkenal muke aku..tp tau aku ade nearby dlm area asrama tu.. chaos gak ah.. long story short..asrama tu kene serang and we all jd prisoners die..ade scene shooting2 and gado bagai..

so then aku decide utk lari dr asrama tu.. in that dream, i think that if i were to run away far from him, he will eventually bla dr asrama tu and kejar aku..so smue orang akan selamat..

that's when u came in front of my room.. time tu tengah mcm chaos gile sbb mamat tu da hampir nk jumpe aku.. this is when everything happened so clear..

we're standing..facing each other..then i sat down on the floor..duduk malas kaki terlunjur tu..then u sat on my leg..pandang je aku.. rambut kau pendek paras bahu..kau pakai baju tido..shirt biase je tp besa..and suar tido kau.. you look soo beautiful even time tu ngah kabot sane sni..hahaha

then kau pggil name aku,  'Nepp~~'
muke kau sedeh sangat time tu.. then aku pegang muke kau..with both my hands..usap2 muke and kepale kau..and i said

'Take care ea Ain.. Aku nak kne pergi dah.. kau tak boleh follow aku.. You will be safe here.. Aku janji aku cari kau balik lepas semue ni habis~~ aku sayang kau, Ain~'

dlm mimpi tu kau nanges..but smiling..

sampai situ je part kau..hehe.. then aku lari dari asrama tu with few friends.. naik moto scrambler xsilap aku.. preengg preenggg merempit kat jalan nk lari dr askar2 mamat tu..

until kteorg smue sampai kat satu kedai makan (sbb lapa kot..hehe). long story short, ade few member aku yg turn back on me.. end up aku kene tangkap..

lepas tu aku teros terjaga dr tido.. having mix feelings.. everything felt so real.. especially time dengan kau tu..


these past few months, aku try nak lupekan kau.. bukan sbb aku benci kau or sakit hati ke ape ke..but aku nk kene terime yang kau da ade someone else.. im tired of trying to win you back.. main reason is because aku dah taknak tengok kau sedeh or rimas ngan kerenah aku.. i know i'm a pain in the ass bile dpt tau kau ade bf lain and try nk potong line.. maybe this time aku patut biarkan je ape pun keputusan yang kau buat..


Second,i realized that you weren't my friend from the beginning.. aku tak pernah anggap kau mcm kawan aku.. sebab dr awal aku jmpe kau balik..i'm in love with you.. part of who i am, is you..

so right now, aku tak sure ape aku patut buat..
these dreams, is it signs or just mainan syaitooonn~~

aintahat alllueba.. The end of Kalau Tentu

do google if you need translation.

i remembered the time when i blogged about her trolling me that she's getting engaged. Few years back.. 2, 3 years ago i think. Freaks me out like hell. Im glad that it's just a prank.. But that was it..

Not this time..

This time, there's no pranks, no turning back.

Aku happy gile bile die bagi tau die da takde boyfriend. After 9 years, i think, this is my chance. My last chance to get her. Everyday i prayed to God, pleaseee..open her heart for me! That's all im asking. I will do the rest but please, open her heart. But, Allah knows more than i do.

Apparently, she's not for me. Tho i have waited many years, went to countless ups and downs with her.

It really hurts me. The way i found out about her boyfriend hurts me a lot! Because it was the same as before. The first time i knew she had a boyfriend was back during Rock the World 10. We were supposed to go together, but instead there's this one guy which she claimed, wanted to follow (Aiman). I know that guy and i dont like him. That time, cume tuhan je tau camne hati aku sakit gile bile dpt tau die introduce mamat as boyfriend die dekat kawan2 die. She didn't noticed i was behind her. The moment i heard that, i went off.

Same goes for this time. Last night to be precise~

suddenly i changed my pray. Instead of praying to Allah to open her heart to me, i asked Him, if she aint for me, then give me a sign. Just right after my prayer, she replied my text, saying that she was busy with her boyfriend that came down to KL. i was speechless. Cz as far as i can remember, 2 weeks ago she said she's done with Aiman.

i was heart broken..really..really broken.. All night i was hoping that all of these were just a dream. Please..please..

**********************************************************

7 Mac 2008,jam 00:32

kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa
hilai tawa aku menggema rona warna hatinya

kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa
suara aku mengikut aja deru angin yang menyapa telinganya

kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa
bisik aku menghalusi lembut pintu hatinya

kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa
rajuk aku mengguris jiwanya sama

kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa
lukis aku semua cerita tentang dia

kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa
segala hirup udara aku mencari jejak baunya

kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa
lirik mata aku tak sudah mencari bayangnya

kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa
mimpi aku sering singgah di tanah lapang sana
yang hampar langitnya indah kotaraya
yang surianya penuh anak-anak kecil ketawa suka
yang bulannya dipuja-puja insan pacaran.


kalau tentu tiada cinta kerana apa aku menulis segala. heh. kalau tentu tak ada cinta kenapa kepala otak aku gagal melupakannya panggilan manja itu. amoi amoi amoi.

p/s: copy dr blog ain..sbb die ckp die ad tulis smting spesel utk ak aritu..n i found this..

*******************************************************

All those years, i believe this.. this poet that was written to me..
the piece of writing which i found to be so pleasing to read..
those words that definitely calms my heart and mind..
my favourite reading..

Everytime i missed you..i would just read it..
This is by far..the most beautiful gift from you to me..



Ain,

you are the best thing in my life. The reason to what i am now. I looked at you, and i see hope. I love you more than anything. I wanted to marry you. I want to share my life with you. To travel with me, baby. Where i wanna go, i'll bring you. Where you wanna go, i will follow you.

If you ask me to stay and wait for you.. i will..believe me.. i will wait for you..

but, if this is what you want, then i must leave. not that i hate you..or hate your new boyfriend. I'm scared that if i'm still around, my heart WILL want you back.. i will get you hurt with my selfishness..and to see you sad, is my nightmare..

i will always remember the times that i spent with you.

your smile..your cranky face..
how you tickled me..
messing around with my cap..

hangout in your house.. Ayah cakap kete wira ade problem..thats the first time aku borak dengan die..

stealing my strawberry drink..
changing your teh tarik with mine because yours got lalat in it..

walking with you back to your house..sebab kete selalu rosak..
talking with you through your house gate..so romantic!

how you sang Lykke Li..
how you danced in Kinokuniya..

and that time at Sungai Wang, kite pegi cybercafe sbb nk tengok result universiti kau.. was hoping kau masok uitm je..tp Ayah nak kau ke Egypt..sobss

your voice when you first time called me from Egypt.. it was less then 10seconds.. best call ever!
and there's one time kite webcam and sang lagu Closer together..

when you're in hospital, aku grk dr johor overnight kat klcc.. kantoi ngan Mama and Ayah sbb aku dok luar wad.. speechless gak aku time tu..

back in the days where my left eye would blinked, meaning kau nak balik KL. believe it or not..ever since kau balik malaysia for good..mate kiri aku da tak kelip2 da.. coz your are here already.


those are some of the best memories i have in my life. You are the only woman, which i spent most of my time with.. Sikit pun aku takde rase menyesal.. i know that i had spent my time wisely..with the woman i cared the most..

Be a great woman, Ain!
be safe.. jangan nakal2.. jangan buat keje berat2.. sebelum tido basuh muke and gosok gigi..

You will always be that same little girl i used to know.

LAST PIECE

sometimes i wonder..what else do i need in my life?

at one point of your life..normally happens around my age (or my circumstance) i tend to feel empty. like, exactly EMPTY~ while eating..or driving..before sleep..while watching tv..sometimes i felt like ' bosan gile..ape nak buat ni~'

you actually doing something..busy with something..or probably just doing nothing.. but that feeling..wanted to do something..or have something..that you just couldn't know what is it that you want.. i know.. deeepp as ferk~

i have a simple life..

struggled with my studies..then i scored my degree..
struggled with pocket money..then i get a job..
i have 2 most important things that i require to survive 2015 and coming.. a useless with honours degree and a damn fine 1 year holiday, 1 year brainstorming for my event- job..

point is..
i got a job..have my own money and saving..live my life with some crazy friends..doing sorts of things..legal and illegal (thug life~). my life is as perfect as anyone wishes..alhamdulillah.. really..im grateful for that..


some would think money can't buy happiness. Well, it does!! nobody ever cries while eating burgers or ice creams.. now that is happiness!! hahahaha. during my emptiness period..i spent thousands for toys. hot wheels and tamiyaa.. damn! mak bising je sbb setiap bulan bawak balik mainan baru..

but thats about it.
i treated myself with money.. spending on food and toys.. (lucky i didn't get that ferret!) i still feel empty.... empty..... empty....

maybe it's time already..
maybe money is not the answer..
my job..my friends..stuff that i do..that aint completing me..

maybe it's time for me to meet you..
maybe it's time for me to share everything i have and i do, with you..
i need you..to complete my journey..

i know what i want.. what do YOU want then??

Dear Apple

rasenye da lame gler tak tulis blog.. heh..tak rase pun ade org yg still buat blog lagi.. maybe blogger yg promote2 barang tu aktif la lagi.. tp blogger mcm aku..keje nk merancau je tulis..mmg xd da laa..

virtual writer mcm aku da obsolete!!



so far..life aku same je.. same ol' same ol'.. ade la ups and down..tho down side tu mcm da ok sket laa.. my dad still the same crap he used to be.. cume da kurang sket pukol2 tu.. maki2 tu ade lagi..tak padan ngan umur 54 tahun.. but still i prayed to God utk lembutkan hati die..

me?

not much.. since Ain da balik gombak..i feel a little bit safer..thinking i have her to talk to.. nk cuddle tak bole..so cakap and texting je laa.. all day long.. kalau die busy..aku pun dok diam2 atas katil tgk ceiling je la..

sometimes she would be in bad mood..and its always bout that guy.. which im not going to tell the name here.. rahsiaaa~~ its pissing me off cz here i am..trying my best to care and comfort her..then he suddenly pops out and buat kacau.. skali ngan2 aku kene tempias die..

i dont really know where im standing in this situation... of course some would say aku takde hak nk kecoh2 hal orang.. whether you like it or not..i have a feeling..and feeling tu sangkut kat itu amoi..

if she's sad..so am i..
if she's happy..so am i~~

sometimes i prayed to God..
asking Him to show me what to do..
to tell me whether she is my other half or not..


but i need to know from you.. what do you feel about me..

 what am i to you?

Under Your Shadow

wherever i go..remains me the place we used to go..
whatever i do..remains me of what we did together...

no matter how far i run..how many days..months and years had past..you are always the nearest to my heart..
doesn't matter how long i closed my heart..u will always be the key for my happiness..

the fact that i'm trying to run away from u..when the sun shines brightly above there..

i just cant..

Persistent

imagine a 4 years old kid.. 2 kinds of kids..2 different situation

kid 1.

kid 1 : ayah..nk mainan tu bole?
ayah : xbole..kan umah da ad bnyk kan...
kid 1 : alaaaa..nk jugak mainan tu..
ayah : da2..jom balik..asek2 bli mainan je..
kid 1 : nk jugak nk jugak nk jugak!!
ayah : haa ye la ye la~~


kid 2.

kid 2 : ayah..nk mainan tu bole?
ayah : tak bole..da ad da kan mainan kat umah..
kid 2 : alaaa..nk jugak
ayah : ko nk pelingkup kan duet ak je kje kan..
kid 2 : .........


some people say..if u really want something..u got to be persistent and keep on asking for it (this context is based on permission needs).. just like Kid 1, he's being persistent in demanding what he wants..eventually, the father x smpai hati pastu bg pe yg anak die nk.. as for Kid 2..should he asked it for the third time..he probably got his ass whopped at the shop..or in the car..or when they got home..

i am the second one..Kid 2..
sejak kecik lg..bpk ak da ajar ak..kalo nk smting..tanye die..kalo die kte xbole the first time..means TAK BOLEH..kalo die snyp je xjwb pape..means TAK BOLEH gak.. if u ask it again for the second time..either kne maki or kene libas..

imagine how i grew up in this kind of life..i was trained with this so called bullshit manners since i was a little kid..and i mean 4/5 years old kind of kid.. lme2..da sebati dlm diri ak.. kalo ak tanye skali..n ble bpk ak ckp tak bole..ak pown bla je.. xd nk argue pape.. full stop..

i still remember that time when i was just 7 years old..time tu kat genting highland..kteorg nk mkn kfc.. pastu time order..ak g la ngan bpk ak.. pastu ble nk order..ak ckp la nk ayam..nugget..kentang..bpk ak ckp bnyk gler order.. ye ah..sbb ak pikir skali order utk adik2 ak.. so bpk ak order.. then ble time mkn..kteorg x abes la mkn ayam n kentang ape bende smue laa.. pastu bpk ak mrh..ak still ingat lg smpai skarang pe die ckp..

'ko order bnyk2 kan..ko sumbat smue..xabes siap ko'

for god sake..i was 7 years old ms tu.. kat dlm kfc tu..ak smbil nanges2 cbe mkn bg abes..mak tlg tepok2 blakang ak sbb ak mcm terbatok2 cbe abes smue mknn.. and sejak dr tu..sejak umur ak 7thn..ak xpnh mntk pape dr bpk ak.. meaning mntk bnd2 mcm mknn..mainan ke.. if die nk bg..ak ambk..kalo x..ak xmntk kat die..

up until now..ak xgeti nk memintak2 ngan org len..ak xgeti nk pakse2 org.. whether nk pinjam brg or pasal cinta.. i only relate this story to a relationship problem only because of what awani's trying to advise me.. die ckp ak ad 1 mslh..die ckp ak x tegas dlm hal relationship.. example..kalo ak ajak 1 pmpn kuar..kalo pmpn tu kte xnk..ak pown snyp je..kalo pmpn tu kte suh tgu..ak pown tgu la smpai 2 3 jam.. die kte ak kne memintak..kne pndai pakse.. kalo pmpn tu xnk kuar..die suh ak pujuk bnyk2 kali..kalo pmpn tu suh tgu..ckp kat pmpn tu yg da janji sekian2 ms so die kne tepati ms..

yeah..she wants me to be persistent..which for me..is soooo fucking hard because im not used to be a persistent.. im more like a go-to kind of guy..heart to heart..transparent in communication.. if yes means yes..if no means no.. if you hv smting to tell me..then tell me because god knows..i dont and will not know a single shit if u dont tell me.. not to say that i dont hv a single clue bout my gf's (if i have one) problem or what she wants.. all im saying is that it would be a lot easier if she phrase it to me directly..

there's a fine line between being blur..and dont give a damn.. im not blur..in fact..im good at knowing people's heart.. its just that i dont a give a damn.. relationship is about 2 way communication.. if i have to use magic crystal ball everytime i want to know what my gf is thinking..bek xyah ad gf..

thats why i will never be a persistent.. i want people around me to be happy as they like..not to be happy as what i want.. sorry Osya..ak still pentingkan org len more dr diri ak sndr..