HAH??

 it's 1:30am.. why mate kiri kelip tiba2? are you okay?

Ini wayyyy messed up

 Dah la ngan pandemic..

Business tak boleh jalan.. Keluar kene pakai mask.. Tak boleh nk move around.. Waww.. Stressed as hell.. 

Dengan microwave org tua tu plak tiba2 boleh rosakk.. Smue bende dtg serentak ke? Im just soo tired wehh

2020 was bad for me i guess.. Worst off all, rase sakit tu datang balikk.. Its been years since last i had this awkward situation with her.. I almost forgot how it felt.. 

Clueless.. Im smart so when im cluelss, i mean i am clueless as shit.. 

Sedihh.. But not that nanges kind punye sedih laa.. More like scared..but u laugh about it.. Its not the same laugh tho

Dah lame tak rase camni.. Sakit gilee.. Wtf Anep..  

Just hang on till hujung tahun je.. Lets hope for wonders next year? 

'harapan' 

If i only knew why u were here.. Bodoh gile aku

A CHESS PLAYER PARADOX

 guess she wont be here anytime soon.. probably tak datang lagi kot.. luckily tak keluar rumah lagii..hahahaha.. should have said yes bile kau ajak keluar tadi..

im just suck at words.. u should see how aku bercakap ngan abah.. abah cakap aku cakap mcm org terencat akal.. so, i never really like to speak pun sbnrnye.. cakap bile perlu.. 

'actions speaks louder than words..'

that is my motto u can say.. i dont speak anything..just buat saje..get the job done.. aku pilih universiti yang tak perlu interview utk masok.. thats why aku masok utm skudai.. 

i joined lima because the interview is fucking straight forward je.. 'tau gune excel ke tak?' aku jawab yes and i get the job.. i dont talk..i rarely attend my own meetings..nobody knows aku lah yang buat lima..like literally the guy yang in charge of the whole operations time lima, still, nobody knows me sbb aku mmg x cakap and just get the job done.. i made a pack dengan my boss.. she will be the front face pergi meeting smue..i'll do the dirty works.. tau2 event success.. 

aku yg prefer utk tak bercakap.. and of course, doing things saje will only bring misunderstanding je..lagi2 melibatkan hati..

my friend once said.. (she's a chinese same umur mcm aku, so aku rs perspektif die fresh compared to ape pmpn melayu lain nk ckp that time). 

die cakap ' otak aku think like operations.. everything u want to calculate.. you cannot plan all those stuff.. smtimes you got to just go with it..then lets see what happen loo'

it didnt occurred to me till now.. after our probably a disastrous conversation i might say.. i dont want to speak sebab bile aku cakap, 'aku akan cakap straight up facts, calculations.. what if this what if that..so whats the next step.. i dont want to speak sebab i know my words can 'potong stim' sometimes.

aku jadi jenis calculative ni sbb in my world..if aku salah cakap or salah buat bende, i will get beaten up.. thats the norm dalam rumah tu.. so aku always be calculative bile bapak aku suruh buat bende.. my mind dah set :

this is what he wants,
this is what i should say.. 

this is how i should move.. 

and once i completed the ritual, (hahaha)..everything will be fine..

whats NOT NORMAL was that, sometimes, salah orang lain, mak yang kene.. like literally salah org lain..

adik dpt exam terok, mak kene tibai kene makii

ikan abah beli untuk bela then mati, mak yg kene

abah beli burung, adik bagi makan tp burung terlepas, mak yang kene maki..

and guess what, mase mak accident, abah maki mak cakap bagi jahanam kete..

ade banyak lagii..but i do hope now kau understand why i dont speak so much.. im not trying to be 'yes man' or pakse diri untuk understand kau.. i like what i did..so i did it.. 

tengok kau dari jauh and make sure kau happy.. yes it hurts me to see kau happy ngan orang lain (or creepy, whatever u want to say lah), but realistically, kau taktau pun kan feeling aku tu.. it's all me je ..in my head smue bende tu.. i dont want to speak sbb takot salah cakap.. so aku buat bende yang boleh buat aku untuk dekat ngan kau.. small2 things.. seriously aku x geti bagi kau bunga or keluar dinner, legit.. 

i feel awkward, just by thinking ' should i buy her flowers??' belum kahwin lagi kejadah nak sweet2 bagi bunga... thats how my mind works.. and if kau ckp aku buat cmni dekat kau je, then u are wrong.. i never did those with any of my exs pun.. i just feel wrong doing certain things sebelum kahwin.. thus, i always limit my actions and words.. i never tried to touch u for once..terpegang pun aku elak.. i just feel that you are that kind of precious that i just wont touch you till the time come..heh

oh yes, my exs are chinese as well.. so i know ape yg kau lalui.. but, thats your story lah.. i have mine..

now kau maybe dah boleh agak otak aku ni pelek sket..bile kau cakap aku mcm dictate your life..suke2 hati aku je nak tentukan kau ngan sape kan, i dont meant like that at all.. aku sumpah takde nk dictate pape.. you are free to do what you want as long as we r not married.. as long as neither of us is married, u and i can do whatever we want.. 

you do what you want..

aku yang choose utk always tgk2 kan kau..

NO I AM NOT SAYING THAT I AM THE ONE FOR YOU.. i dont think like that..

what im thinking is that i have a 'plan', for whoever the partner is going to be.. i already have a plan.. you want to know how calculative i am sebenarnye.. what actually running in my head.. 

End game 1

- you married first..

- i wont come ( thats the plan dari dulu lagi..i just cant come i guess should that day happen) 

- remove all your traces..no heart feelings.

- cuci tangan and khalazz.. move on cari gf lain.. (those scenario works if aku mmg xd gf by the time kau kahwin.. if i had one, i'll definitely be at your wedding for suree)

- sampai mase, aku plak yg akan kahwin. die nak anak, ok.. tak nak anak, ok. im still going to get married regardless of what pun..hahaha.. target aku 35 maybe.. THEN PROCEED WITH THE PLAN 

End game 2

- i get married first..

- i wont remove your traces.. (because by right, im having smone else meaning aku dah move on dah..my case wont affect yours since kau probably ade smone jugak that time)

- probably bile masing2 dah kahwin, there will be no contacting years after years after years.. (logically speaking..laki dah kahwin xkn borak ngan pmpn dah kahwin.. i wont do that in my case)

- we live our separate lives..

-aku may or may not ade anak, subject to my partners and factor umur.. still proceed with the plan 

End game 3 (this section wujud sebab ade name je, if takde name kau, my options remains 2 above)

- we get married (ni ape yg dlm kepala aku,im not saying to you or saying out loud)

- yes i knew already kite takkan ade anak..

- we go anywhere together

- i knew aku takkan ade anak, so my solution is to probably die first before you i guess.. 

these are just some2 of bende yang aku calculate dlm kepala aku.. it is messed up i tell youu.. different problems, different calculations in my head.. different solutions, different outcomes.. ..tu cara aku diajar, dibesarkan.. like how u manage to dead set taknak ade anak, mesti ade reason to it kan..? same lah mcm aku..i have a reason as to why im being calculative.

ni aku rekod live while aku tgh type ni..hahaha.. kebetulan abah call and aku saje record.. 

kau Ain.. org yg aku paling cared the most.. you claimed to be my best friend kan.. i hope kau kenal aku..

and you tell me based on this conversation, what my life is actually,, right now.. bkn smlm, bukan minggu depan.. but literally today.. he's been talking to himself dah lebih 30mins.. judging me like he know me..

kau kenal aku.. so u tell me then how i cannot be calculative in most of my days.. you tell me, is this Anep yang kau kenal? first hand experience.. 

seriously jgn dgr smue ah..literally 1 hour die bercakap sorang.. my battery nak habes kot semate2 nk rekod die cakap..

it's mental torture for me..for my mom and adik2.. so yeah, i see things differently..

i dont have any desire pun to be honest.. if dari kecik kau dah di suruh buat itu ini, failure means kene tibai.. you pretty much dont have any sweet wishes.. get the job doneee..thats the ruleee..

there's so much things yg aku kene buat berhati2 until i get soo used to it.. its easier to just get used to being so calculative and just make sense out of little things.. i just have to.. easier to move forward in life.. everything is about 'operations'. make ASAP decisions..

so back to the story.. i am soo calculative in my life, that i choose not to speak.. thats why aku prefer tengok je..and get the job done accordingly.. i know what i said to you sounded mcm abah kan? i realized that and aku btol2 mntk maaf.. best i dont speak..

so yeah.. i can be with anak..i can be without anak.. i have plans for both.. not that 2 2 la.. salah satu if jadi..haha.. probably u are right when kau mentioned about long run issue.. but being with u was something yg aku decide utk nak even aku dah tau xkan ade anak.. 

for once aku try untuk buat keputusan sendiri.. which is to live a life with kau without ade anak.. thats the deal.. and i think i want to take that chance.. its a journey at least for me.. 

*************

The reason aku ajak night drive tadi sebab nk explain kat kau on isu anak.. i used to taknak anak.. yes, since high school masok uni, aku mmg xnk anak.. kau plak that time, not okay with small kids sbb dieorg suke nanges blablabla.. but u did mentioned yang 'kalau anak sendiri tu lain ah'..i remembered that clearly sebab that time aku tanye kau ' habes, kalau budak kecik tu anak kau cmne weh.. 

whats the reason yg kau dead set taknak anak tu aku pun taktau bile starting point..but u do mentioned taknak anak throughout the years.. 

i talked to mak yang pasal aku xnk anak..

she said ' tak elok cakap xnk anak..itu mcm menolak pemberian Tuhan' i got caught up with that sentence that sejak tu.. aku just prefer ckp 'aku okay je ade anak or takde anak..' for me, ape kene buat later, itu later ah settle kan.. if ade anak, these are what i needed to do.. if takde anak, these are what i needed to do..

still, aku takkan cakap 'i dont want kid' im not judging you Ain..pleasee.. im just explaining myself..

i know this anak thing is big issue for you.. asking you utk kenal aku mcm dah tak logik perhaps since i screwed up things badly.. but yeah..my answer is still the same..im okay with takde anak.. aku taknak ckp aku nak anak and aku taknak ckp aku taknak anak.. i dont know what the fuck am i dealing later.. so step by step maybe.. im trying to adjust myself here..  takkan start2 jmpe haritu aku nak ckp 

'Ain, aku confirm taknak anak..can i get to know u now? 

then kau akan ckp plak yg aku creepy kan? so yeah,, wth jugak la for me..hahahaha

*************

im not disrespecting u or cakap yang kau salah pilih orang or that aku the one like wth.. kau gak yg ckp haritu some laki just might sy yes to taknak anak semate2 to get to your pants so kau mls layan.. i thought im just reminding you that time in a gurau2 way..not the right time especially dlm texting..but yeah..i got carried away too i guess with the whole situation..stupid

Sometimes aku get confuse whether aku Anep your bestfriend or Anep yang nak berkenalan dengan kau.. Aku btol2 mintak maaf for my words.. 

   

but it was good seeing you Ain lepas bertahun tak jmpe.. 

 

Saigo no / Mate kiri

Hello Ain,

This is where i kept the final piece of my heart..and since kau dah masok dalam ni, i guess there's no secrets after this..hahaha.. 

remembered when i said, ' aku dah bagitau kau everything..yang bercakap dan yang tak boleh aku cakap' (and since this place is no more a secret), this is my final blog la kot.. lepas ni, cakap depan je..hehehe.. aku patut buat video malam ni..tapi kang kalau tunggu esok, tah aku da lupe ape nak tulis..lol! got to keep it real~~

so much memori aku dengan kau.. some yang ingat..maybe ade yang aku dah lupe..hahaha.. 

one thing for sure, cerita dekat kfc aku takkan lupa.. that was the beginning of this whole story. Everything that i have wrote here, starts dekat kfc haritu

**********************************

STORY 

KFC mane aku lupeee...hahahaha!!! 

datang satu auntie nak jual kerusi massage (ingat2 lupe) . 

then kite cakap kite adik beradik..parents tengah jalan2 beli barang~ 
ohh..you adik beradik meh? tengok IC (sambil gelak)

that was the first time aku rs aku sync dengan someone, outside of my shitty world. it was the best view ever mase tu tengok kau join auta kari auntie tu.. mase tu, aku mmg btol2 rase aku suke kau.. (macam budak2 lagi kan mase tu..haha)

just like that sebenarnye, aku sangkut dekat kau =) and there rest is as today.. 

mase ni, dengar kau cakap nak pergi sambung belajar ke egypt pun aku rase lame.. but enough about this story..ni mcm puppy love story jeee that time

NEXT

- rock the world, 9 ke 10 aku x sure..but im pretty sure rock the world 9.. bile kau ajak keluar pergi rock the world.. thats was my first time pergi gig.. fucking hell i felt awkward that time..hahahahah! i maybe metal and stuff..tp introvert gile babii.. aku head bang dalam kepala je~~ then tu first time aku jmpe aiman.. 

im super protective bile dengan kau.. from the beginning sampai sekarang lah kot i guess.. protective, clingy, senang cite im not a badass bile dengan kau ah.. u tamed me..

 then when bile kau cakap ade smone nak follow, aku macam 'siapa pulak nii'..hahaha.. u never mentioned anything..anything, about him that day..die just muncul and ade dekat gig tu dengan aku and kau..

blablabla... then kau terserempak dengan geng2 sktsg.. aku cnfrm kau x perasan aku dekat belakang kau that time..  i was behind u bile kau introduce aiman as your boyfriend to them.. it broke my heart so bad..

i remembered yang die suddenly nak muntah2 and u had to attend him and i just walk away.. 

this was the very first time aku rase jealous tgk kau with someone.. but being middle man sumpah sucks..i just rather watch you from far.. mase tu, aku truly believe yang tengok kau happy is more than enough to me.. 

and sejak haritu tu.. mate kiri akan always kelip2 untuk kau.. (we'll get to that story later if u want to know)

NEXT

This 1 u knew already i guess.. if kau dah baca jauh la.. 

ni time kau baru balik egypt.... if tak silap, kite g keluar makan ngan osya.. warong opah some shit name die kot.. then kite pergi taman botani putrajaya..

on the way balik tu kau ckp kau dah no longer dengan aiman.. then aku mcm okayyy..lets try again.. lepas 2 minggu kau mentioned about your 'boyfriend'.. so yeahh..miss that one.. im like whatttt...dah ade baruu? 

this story doesnt hurt me a lot.. since that time aku rase maybe aku yang lambat cakap.. life goes on from there i guess

NEXT

This story aku x boleh nak recall sngt dekat mane time line die.. it's about you crying for the first time with me..

this was when Adek dpt tangkap kau naik motor, hold hands smting2.. then report kat parents.. hati aku sedih gile dengar kau nanges.. this timeline is a bit messed up because aku rase mcm die in between aiman and harris.. 

it was a roller coaster feeling.. 
1 day u said u no longer with him,
the next thing, you and your boyfriend,
the next thing im buying protein whey for what i think is your boyfriend at that time,
then next thing is hal nanges tu la.. so yeah..this timeline was a bit messed up for me..hahaha

NEXT

then came budak muda, then mamat civic?? ahaha..annoying kau cakap die.. then the chinese.. u told me once (never thought die yang currently last, sbb rase mcm lepas cina tu, ade je lagi yang lain come and go..

sorryyy..too much stuff..if ade salah cerita, my apologies ea Ain.. ingat2 lupa je.. 

******************************

mase aku confess dekat kau malam tu.. kau cakap yang kau tau aku pernah suke kau.. u said it super chill mase tu..made me speechless sebab dalam kepala aku, if you already knew but tak pernah cakap pape, does that mean u never cared for my heart at all? is it because im late again utk bagitau kau?? literally aku taktau nak sambung conversation tu mcm mane sebenarnye..

later we go to topic anak..blablabla.. which later, aku plak mcm taktau nak cakap ape sebab mcm the conversation dah jadi wayyyy toooooo fast..hahaha.. and im clueless to respond, walhal aku yg start the conversation.. but, we talked about this already.. im okay with takde anak. 'Okay' is the word best to describe my position on this matter.. i have my own reasons, thus yes or no is not my answer..

Ain, 

To be honest, if aku tak jumpa kau dekat tinder that night, none of this would have happened.

we would never have these conversations. 

it will be the same mcm sebelum ni.. 3 4 bulan sekali, aku akan cari kau.. then kite akan borak2 3 4 days.. then i'll be quiet again for the next 3 4 months.. kau akan continue with your break up.. u might find someone else maybe, and aku akan still mcm biase jugak, texting u selang 3 4 bulan like always.. 

i set my tinder untuk cari perempuan within 23 - 26 y/o, within 10km jee.. that was the setting dari dulu lagii..hahaha..aku xd ubah2 pun.. that night, someone umur lebih 26, and stayed lebeh dari 10km muncul dekat tinder. someone yang aku cared the most.. it must meant something right?? 

yes, mmg aku xnk bagi star pun.. come on, pakai pun tinder free.. aku pikir kalau aku bagi star pun, since apps tu free, nothing will happen pun..hahaha! lagipun dah besar, kalau nak cakap smting, cakap depan2..

everytime kau ade bf, next after next.. i never fail to be there with you.. aku xkn jmpa kau if kau ade bf.. thats why aku always elak jumpa kau.. and bile kau muncul kat tinder , my mind already set yang 'okay Ain takde boyfriend, why else die dekat tinder. so dont think too much Anep, now is the time sebab Ain tengah single' childish mindset perhaps..hahaha.. tp itu lah yg aku pikir that time..

this is not the first time pun yang kau break up and share the story with me. because of that, aku tau yang bile kau sayang someone, he will be the dearest. i got super jealous bile kau cite bende2 camtu, but like i said, if it means seeing u happy, i'll be there for you. i wish i can be that dearest guy..

hati aku berbelah bagi mase nak luahkan dekat kau.. im soo attached to you, that aku tau je kat mane hati kau.. 

that chinese stall mcm super doggy je utk kau tau, yet u invited me.. 

aku serious taktau ade air sour plum, or that air is your favourite..but lps rase air tu aku tau je rase die mcm that sour candy..u like that candy as far as i know..

Ain, would you at least try and get to know me? i know it would take time.. im not pushing you for any answers now.. 

honestly kalau aku x jmpe kau dekat tinder haritu, aku probably still usha kau dari jauh for the next foreseeable future.. another2 3 years pun kite still belum 40 lagi..hahaha.. from where i see, you might get back with your ex, or you might find smone else.. and i might probably still be watching you from far.. i dont want that again..

just because i saw u dekat tinder that night, that aku mmg decide utk 'pergi mati' and tell you my feelings..  i just know that i always love you Ain. so i gave myself another shot.. kau cakap aku mcm treated kau like a girlfriend already.. Think back Ain, aku always layan kau macam tu.. nothings change pun..  the only difference is that now aku dah duduk sendiri..so boleh keluar masok rumah anytime..hahaha.. dah duduk sndr pun abah still kacau lagi..

took me 5 hours nak tulis ni..hahahaha.. actually aku xsedar dah kol 5pagi.. still, there're tons of things i wanted to say to you.. it just doesnt make sense utk type smue.. You know where my heart is now..just of matter bile kau nak start kenal aku..

 Drive safe ke genting.. should be berkabus pagi2 sebab sekarang kan hujan and sejukk.. 

NAK ANAK KE TAK : IT'S NOT MY DECISION

 That's a tuff question to be questioning about.. 

ade yang pilih nak anak
ade yang taknak anak

ade yang nak 2 je anak

ade yang nak anak bersusun banyak

ade yang nak anak, but tak boleh dapat

ade yang taknak anak walaupun boleh dapat

ade yang takot nak ade anak,

ade yang pikir anak tu 1 bebanan..

ade yang lambat dapat anak,

pun ade yang tak kahwin tp dapat anak, LOL... 

and then there's Maryam, yang tak tahu menahu tiba2 dapat anak.. kalau isu Maryam dijadikan topik perbualan, ape lah sangat dengan dilema kite yang normal ni..

1. NAK ANAK

to be honest, aku jenis laki yang nak ade anak i guess.. i cant tell whether aku okay dengan budak kecik, or mmg nk anak sendiri.. point is, im okay with kids.. 

Nak anak ni bukanlah smting yang aku boleh demand cmtu je because of the straight fact yg baby keluar dr perempuan..lol. if i can make 1 myself, i wouldnt need 'the wife'. To say nak anak pun is quite a strong word.. to keep it simple, just pikir yang orang yg berkahwin, lps sex nnt dapat anak.. when u think like that, aku sbnrnye tak pikir pun yang ade anak tu satu keperluan.. aku just pikir as 1 pemberian.. if diberi, then kite ade tanggungjawab kene jalan kan..if takde, then takde :) (pendek cite, pancut luar settle ah kan)

if i were to have a chance.. i always wanted a kid in my life.. 1 atau 2 je thats it.. i dont care laki or perempuan.. just 1 or 2 and thats enough.. enough to be call a family. 

i wanted my own family so that i can re-live my past. aku takde pengalaman as budak kecik yang normal.. it's always fighting, torture..pagi petang siang malam.. kau mcm duduk dekat pasar borong.. terjerit2 maki2.. My dad would probably say, ' bukan kene maki hari2 pun' .. Well, 31 years and still counting..

aku sendiri taktau how i will be, bile aku ade anak sendiri.. Tho i do wish if aku ade anak sendiri, maybe aku boleh enjoy puasa and raya.. yes, if aku ade family sendiri, ramadhan and syawal will be the highlight of my family.. sebab till now, bulan puasa and raya still remains the darkest time in our family. Everytime nak masok bulan puasa, hati masing2 jadi suram and sedeh. Bile aku tgk muka Mak everytime nak masok bulan puasa..it's not a happy face.. it's a tired face.. as if she already knew jalan cerita bulan puasa nanti.. penoh dengan maki2.. bukan mak je, aku and adik2 aku yang lain pun feel the same way.. kteorg akan berada dalam keadaan takot2 time sepanjang bulan puasa.. pada kiteorg, syaitan time bulan puasa kene kumpul dekat rumah kteorg.. so it is ramadhan and syawal in hell for us..

So yeah, i always dream of having my own family..raised my own kids NOT the way i was brought up. Aku pikir if aku ade family, aku taknak jadi mcm bapak aku.. If aku ade my own family, i can start my new life..buang smue hitam dalam hati ni and start balik dari awal.. Tapi dalam masa yang sama,

2. TAKNAK ANAK

Taknak anak : i wont say it like that per se..but maybe if aku TAKDE anak, it's because of my past deeds

"aku adalah anak sulung yang tak pernah sentuh mak dan bapak die.." 

aku sentuh jeeee...hahaha.. but, it's not the same touch as other kid around.. let me explain.

sebelum aku actually pindah keluar rumah, aku sentuh mak cuma time salah or urut mak..considering yg aku start duduk rumah btol2 was when aku 22y/o.. so aku mmg jarang sangat2 pegang mak and abah and adik2 aku.. literally aku tak dapat nak cari memori aku pasal aku sentuh mak except for that 2 moments, or bile lps kene pukol.. aku tak pernah usap tangan mak..cium mak ke.. bukan taknak or tak buat, deep down, aku sendiri taktau kenape nature aku mcm tu.. dengan bapak aku pun same..salam or urut die.. and because he treated me like that yang aku pun terbuat mcm tu dengan mak.. aku jeles bile tgk adik2 yang lain freely pegang mak and cium mak.. i just dont know why i cant do that.. maybe lifestyle dlm rumah tu yang ubah mindset aku..heh..

if i we're to say aku taknak anak, probably because aku takot Tuhan bagi aku anak untuk kenekan aku.. again, let me explain..

i dont like my dad because of what he is (till today). dalam hati ni yang isi, tak dendam, marah, sedih and benci bile tgk die.. to his day, i cant look him straight in the eyes.. bukan sbb takot ke ape, i lost my respect to him as a father, as my own father, as an old man and as a another fellow human pun.. there's no respect to this man for what he did to mak and the rest of us. and aku akan buat ape saje so that die x wujud dalam life kteorg.. 

aku siapkan makanan die bukan sebab die bapak aku yang tengah lapar..tapi sbb nk jaga mak so that mak tak kene maki..

Die nak keluar ke ape, aku check brg2 die make sure cukup..bukan sebab nk jaga die, tapi nak make sure die keluar rumah takde nk maki2 mak.. just keluar je cepat2..that's how i think..

everything i did, aku takde rase mcm 1 anak yang tengah buat smting utk parents die.. aku rs mcm aku 1 bystander, yang make sure abah dapat bende2 yang die nak, and mak stay safe pagi smpai malam tak kene maki or worst, kene pukol mcm lembu..

i dont like my dad so much that aku tak buat 1 bende pun yang die pesan (but aku dengar je nasihat mak mcm any other anak)..i will always go on my own ways. i have to hate him so bad, so that aku x bawak burden tu and pass dekat anak2 aku, like how his dad did to him.. aku x percaya yang 'kalau kau buat kat bapak kau, nanti anak2 kau pulak buat dekat kau' punye statement.. i dont fucking believe it at all!!!

kalau kau buat aku, aku buat kau balik..

kau maki mak aku, aku maki mak kau balik..

kau pukol mak aku, aku and adik2 aku, aku pukol kau balik..

kau menyusahkan life aku, aku susahkan life kau balik..

kau ludah aku, aku ludah kau balik..

kau doakan yg buruk2 untuk aku, aku doakan yang buruk2 jugak untuk kau..

it's just me and you.. 

i dont believe such shit yang nanti anak2 kau pulak buat dekat kau.. to me, what i did to you was because of what you did to me.. and if anak2 aku buat dekat aku when aku tak buat dekat dieorg, but just for the sake of karma.. then it is very unfair i guess..

unfair af, but Allah lagi tau.. 

maybe boleh jadi betol ape yang abah cakap.. 

worst case scenario : maybe 1 balasan nanti yang anak2 aku pun akan melawan aku..but dalam mase yang sama, my dad still getting into my nerves.. so i have a dad yang still maki2..and because aku melawan dulu, now aku ade anak yang melawan. So aku ade bapak tgh maki and anak yg sedang maki aku.. how's that for a future karma prediction? intense kan.. in fact, mak pun always pesan dekat aku jugak pasal bende ni.. if aku keep on hate him, then Allah akan bagi balasan setimpal dekat aku sbb what i did was in fact wrong..and i'll admit that..(walaupun aku rs my hatred tu is for a legit reason..heh)

my dad confirm like ' abah da bgtau, kau buat abah..now anak2 kau pulak buat dekat kau' To be honest, if it does happen..i dont have anything to say pun.. walkaway and continue with life as ape yang Tuhan da tulis..

because of my hatred towards you, and janji balasan Allah, made me think that if aku terpakse continue this life, then maybe takde anak is the solution. if bapak aku continue to live smpai 70 and wont change a bit, then aku pun tak boleh berubah dari cara aku.. 

Then there's you, Ain. 

to be honest, i tried to run away from u many many times.. if betol hati ni takde cinta, i prayed to god just jmpekan aku dengan orang lain.. hilangkan lah rasa cinta tu dalam hati.. anything! kalau btol kau cuma 1 manusia yang sekadar berlalu-lalu sahaja dalam hidup aku, then pergilah jauh..

But no..all these years, hati aku still ke arah kau..aku mencari-cari kau.. when everything seems lost, suara kau saje yg boleh tenangkan aku.. bile aku happy aku cari kau, bile aku sedih aku cari kau. Yeah maybe 'aku saje' yang cari kau.. but kau tak pernah pergi pun.. sedar tak sedar, Tuhan akan datangkan balik kau dekat aku..whether kau yg ade mslh that time or aku sndri yang ade mslh that time.. walapun aku sendiri dah lari jauh2 dari kau..tiba-tiba Tuhan cakap, 'carilah Ain'. Everytime..for the next 13 years..

i've watched you grown from that little girl dekat kl sentral till now.. docter/pilot. A strong woman yang aku proud of. im so proud of you that if i was a girl, i wanna be you. Thats how i think of you. aku tau je kau taknak anak.. you been saying that since before egypt time lagi.. i always knew that part you. bukan bende baru pun pada aku. Tho im not saying aku agree 100% dengan choice kau..but then it's your decision, and i want you to know that aku dah tau lame dah..

To say aku taknak anak, perhaps nampak mcm obvious sngt yang aku menipu kau and diri sendiri..but, to say nak anak pun, aku sendiri tak boleh bagi sure answer sbb aku taktau mcm mane nk jadi anak sekarang..haha..

but when aku kate it's okay kalau aku takde anak, do understand yang i accept it as ketentuan Tuhan. if balasan untuk orang perangai mcm aku ni is takde anak..so be it.. for as if aku ade anak, maybe the cycle continues..maybe karma tu confirm kene dekat aku balik for what i've done to abah. Allah lagi tahu and He knows the best for us. Just like you scared of babies crying late night..aku pulak takot lps turn kau miserable, turn aku plak untuk tanggung dosa lama aku..

Or maybe, being with you, and not having kids is something yang Tuhan dah susunkan.. Why else can't i move on..why else aku still diberi peluang untuk jumpa kau.. kenape dalam kepale aku ade kau saje.. kalau tentu tiada cinta, kerana apa aku menulis segala.. segalanya pasal kau..arrrgghhhhhhhhhhhh

3. REALITY CHECK

When i decided to care and love you, it's just you. 

aku tak pnh pikir pasal nak anak pun selame ni..

aku tak pnh pikir pasal duit sngt and,

aku tak pikir untuk jadi kaya raya..memadai ape yg sepatutnya is enough

abah ade 3 bende tu, yet he still miserable if you ask me..

aku cuma pikir, if aku dengan kau, means it's just you and me. Bonny and Clyde gitu. if aku ade dengan kau, insyallah ape yg kite plan nk buat, kite boleh buat sama-sama. i wanna do things with you and you only.. 

anything. 

pergi pasar ke, pergi makan ke, cuddle with you, cook, jalan2 pegang tangan,

bile kau keluar, kau tau yang aku tengah tunggu kau and bile aku keluar, aku tau kau tengah tunggu aku. if kau tengah susah, i will be there for you. if aku tengah susah, i know you will be there for me too. 

theres never any high hopes and dreams punn. i just want to be yours and you are mine..

and since kite confirm hidup sekali je, i really want to spend the rest of my time with you and you only. 

that was something yang aku dah decide lame dah.. 

Acap mmg tak dapat join, aku saje tak bagitau kau until kite dah sampai kl sentral..

syubek aku mmg tak ajak pun..

on that day, aku mmg nk keluar dengan kau je :) pretty smooth kan?

DAH 4 TAHUN...

 It's been while since i last wrote here.. tengok balik post2 lame, i dont even sure how i managed to get to here. Not rich yet if that's what you're asking!

but im still here.. alot of things da berubah since my last post.. 

- PANDEMIC is a real word by the wayy.. 

- remember when i used to study aeronautics shits.. yeah, i worked with an event management company for the past 8years.. then covid-19 datang, and tadaaa..imma videographer/photographer! 

-im no longer staying with my parents..yeeehaaaaa.. tapi baru keluar awal tahun ni..then covid dtg..lol

tho 1 thing haven't change.. tak kire mane aku pandang, tak kire mane aku pergi..tak kire aku susah atau senang..sedih atau gembira.. i would always find you.. 

so 9 years + 4 years.. i'm still here, with you.

Nightmare or Sweet dream i do not care.. i miss you

sometimes when i dream about you..it's always freaks me out.. because knowing that you aren't mine..but to constantly thinking about you makes me wonder..

why is it always you?
why must everything i do and see, they all remind me of you..

science stated that people who popped in our dreams are basically people that we have met..doesnt matter if we know them or not..as long as the eyes had seen them..

once awhile..aku mimpikan kau.. i told you few times yang aku mimpikan kau..but never in details as sometime tu rase mcm tu kau dlm mimpi..but not really clear muke tu.. smtimes xclear lgsg mimpi tu..but aku rs mcm ade kau dlm tu..

this time it's different.. 6th April 2016 (lepas subuh tido balik..then 1033hours aku terjaga lepas mimpi)


mimpi tu camni..

set up mcm dlm kawasan asrama..but mcm laki and perempuan campur bilik tido.. bukan campur satu bilik..tp mcm satu bilik laki smue..then ade satu bilik pmpn smue..like and apartment la..

then there's this one bad guy..xsure die sape..but he's looking for me..like, wanted to kill me.. because die cume bole feel aku punye presence je..so die xkenal muke aku..tp tau aku ade nearby dlm area asrama tu.. chaos gak ah.. long story short..asrama tu kene serang and we all jd prisoners die..ade scene shooting2 and gado bagai..

so then aku decide utk lari dr asrama tu.. in that dream, i think that if i were to run away far from him, he will eventually bla dr asrama tu and kejar aku..so smue orang akan selamat..

that's when u came in front of my room.. time tu tengah mcm chaos gile sbb mamat tu da hampir nk jumpe aku.. this is when everything happened so clear..

we're standing..facing each other..then i sat down on the floor..duduk malas kaki terlunjur tu..then u sat on my leg..pandang je aku.. rambut kau pendek paras bahu..kau pakai baju tido..shirt biase je tp besa..and suar tido kau.. you look soo beautiful even time tu ngah kabot sane sni..hahaha

then kau pggil name aku,  'Nepp~~'
muke kau sedeh sangat time tu.. then aku pegang muke kau..with both my hands..usap2 muke and kepale kau..and i said

'Take care ea Ain.. Aku nak kne pergi dah.. kau tak boleh follow aku.. You will be safe here.. Aku janji aku cari kau balik lepas semue ni habis~~ aku sayang kau, Ain~'

dlm mimpi tu kau nanges..but smiling..

sampai situ je part kau..hehe.. then aku lari dari asrama tu with few friends.. naik moto scrambler xsilap aku.. preengg preenggg merempit kat jalan nk lari dr askar2 mamat tu..

until kteorg smue sampai kat satu kedai makan (sbb lapa kot..hehe). long story short, ade few member aku yg turn back on me.. end up aku kene tangkap..

lepas tu aku teros terjaga dr tido.. having mix feelings.. everything felt so real.. especially time dengan kau tu..


these past few months, aku try nak lupekan kau.. bukan sbb aku benci kau or sakit hati ke ape ke..but aku nk kene terime yang kau da ade someone else.. im tired of trying to win you back.. main reason is because aku dah taknak tengok kau sedeh or rimas ngan kerenah aku.. i know i'm a pain in the ass bile dpt tau kau ade bf lain and try nk potong line.. maybe this time aku patut biarkan je ape pun keputusan yang kau buat..


Second,i realized that you weren't my friend from the beginning.. aku tak pernah anggap kau mcm kawan aku.. sebab dr awal aku jmpe kau balik..i'm in love with you.. part of who i am, is you..

so right now, aku tak sure ape aku patut buat..
these dreams, is it signs or just mainan syaitooonn~~